As soon as I heard the words “A la gran pu%#!” (the Spanish equivalent of “Holy Sh*&”), I wheeled around in shock. Had my ears deceived me? Could it be that my son had said that? From the looks on the other children’s faces, I knew I had heard correctly.

My immediate instinct was to giggle. After all, there was no way my 6-year-old had any idea what he was saying. He’d just started going to school the week before and had no doubt heard the new vocabulary word from one of his classmates. “Here we go…” I thought.

It’s normal to expect your child to come home with new behaviors and vocabulary once they go to school and start interacting with other kids. Now, it was my job to deal with it.

So, how did I deal with it? What’s an appropriate way to approach “bad” words in the spirit of Montessori parenting? Here’s how I approached the topic:

Bad Words: What Are They?

First, a note on “bad” words. I’m not an anti bad words person. I don’t use them myself, but I don’t mind if other people use them. For me, bad words are words that have very strong meanings that can also be considered rude and offensive by others.

Montessori believed in teaching grace and courtesy to children. Social skills are important! Without them, we can’t get along well with others, create friendships, help others and enjoy a sense of community. These are among the most important things in life!

So, how do bad words play into that? Bad words can upset social interactions. In the example above, my son loudly blurted out an expletive while reading at our local children’s library, in a room filled with kids. That is an environment where kids from all different backgrounds gather and a bad word like that will quickly upset many children.

I want to make sure that my children can communicate effectively, with empathy and grace. There are many words that we can use to communicate feelings and ideas. We don’t need to be limited by a few explosive, offensive words that will likely make an interaction aggressive and unproductive.

The Conversation

Rather than freak out about it, I allowed myself to have a giggle. Then, I said “Peanut, you just said a word that, for a lot of people, is very rude. Please don’t say it again.”

Later, we had a longer conversation about it. I said the word, so he knew exactly which word I was referring to. Then, I told him that I knew he probably didn’t mean to be rude, but that the word had a very strong meaning and might make people upset if they hear it. I explained that he was probably going to hear a lot of different words at school, and that some of them might be offensive.

He asked a few “why?” questions and didn’t seem too concerned about it.

If you do allow bad words in your home, you can explain to your child where and when it’s appropriate to use these strong words.

Be Curious

It was easy for me to guess where Peanut had learned this word. In fact, it was more than obvious what had happened. He heard it at school and thought, “I’m going to use this cool, new word that I heard.” That was it!

However, when you don’t have such obvious clues about where your kid may have picked up an offensive word, it’s important to be curious. Don’t assume your child is intentionally being rude. Instead, ask questions like:

• Where did you hear that word?
• What does (word) mean?
• How did you feel when you said (word)?

Offer Alternatives

Language is wonderful. It’s full of many words to describe feelings and ideas. You can offer your child alternative ways to express themselves that will be more acceptable in all settings.

For my son, I could offer “Holy moly!” “Wow” “Oh my!”, etc. In the context he was using the bad word, he meant to show amazement and surprise.

You can also choose to be playful and take away the fun of curse words. If your child becomes obsessed with them, you might consider saying “Oh pine trees,” or “flying squirrels” in place of more offensive words to make it into a sort of game.

Teach Social Skills

Montessori believed in teaching social skills intentionally. This includes everything from how to introduce oneself to managing conflict resolution. By intentionally teaching children these skills, we instill the importance of respect and empathy.

Social skills set the stage for understanding how language affects our interactions with others, making discussions about bad words easier to have. Within the context of social skills, children learn to be polite and respectful, so it’s easy to explain how bad words don’t fit into the pattern.

Of course, this is easiest if you have been teaching your child social skills all along. Many parents do this in the form of setting an example by saying “please”, “thank you” and “excuse me”, among other polite phrases. You can take this further by talking about interactions with others, teaching other social skills such as inviting someone to play, and role playing. With this as a base, your child will already be prepped to notice how others are feeling and understand that bad words can make others feel upset.

In the end, the approach was effective. Peanut hasn’t uttered the word again. Although I doubt it’s the last time we’ll touch on this topic as a family, for now, the issue is lying dormant.

How do you approach bad words?